How is it that the people closest to us are the ones who can make us happiest, and at the same time, the ones who can make us the saddest? The answer is simple: we give them the power to influence our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
What are you enabling by your silence? How are you empowering toxic relationships to hurt you and reduce your mental and emotional strength to live life to the fullest?
In the first week of June 2017, following a series of predictable yet unanticipated events, I found myself in an emotional mess and made a wise decision to get off social media for a while. Well, a ‘while’ was actually just three days. I realized that writing has a calming effect on me and helps me put my thoughts in clear perspective.
Even though my phone battery lasted longer and I was free from the endless notifications that accompany using a smartphone, I still had to move on from the hurt and live my life according to God’s pattern for me.
There is no guarantee that we will not be hurt by the people we expect to know better, or that we would not feel pain, loss, or the aftermath of their actions toward us. But, as I wrote in my last post, “Still, I will sing.”
I am determined to be among the people who will happen to life. I will live my life intentionally to serve God’s interest. Of course, there will be consequences, yet I will maintain a positive disposition and not allow life to happen to me.
How do I intend to achieve this determination?
1. By Letting Go
To let go of something valuable hurts, especially when you are deeply attached. Sometimes, we give pain, anger, bitterness, and malice an overrated place in our lives by holding on to them. Nyengi Koin’s novel Time Changes Yesterday says, “Time changes yesterday,” yet I strongly believe that beyond time, our decision to move on quickly from hurtful experiences is what changes our state of mind toward wholeness.
2. Move On
Move on. Move on. Move on. Take baby steps if you want, but make sure you are moving forward. If you stay in one spot, replaying hurtful words or scenes in your head, you will sink deeper into a depressed state. Acknowledge the pain, come to terms with it, and decide to move on. Life and everyone around you will not wait because you are hurting.
The truth is, in the end, you lose more by being depressed and unmotivated than the person or situation that triggered the pain in the first place. That person or situation may even be oblivious to the impact of their words or actions on you.
3. Manage Words Versus Feelings
We are responsible for what we say, not for how others interpret it. Words come from personal observation, understanding, reasoning, and exposure. Hurtful words will naturally hurt, but we can choose to filter them—take what is relevant and leave the rest behind. Don’t carry hurtful words; they create a negative cycle.
4. Be Thankful
God’s word says in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 KJV, “In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” In everything, not just some things. Thanksgiving shifts focus from the pain to how much God has already done to prevent the situation from deteriorating. It reminds us that all things, not just some things, are working together for our good.
5. Pray for Those Who Hurt You
If you are a believer, consider the story of Job (Job 42:10–11 KJV). Verse 10 says: “And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.” Prayer communicates our feelings to God and asks for His grace and mercy. When hurt makes it hard to pray, I switch to worship, acknowledging God’s supremacy in my life.
6. Forgive Sincerely
Dondi Scumaci, in chapter 7, “Bouquet of Thorns – Releasing the Offenses That Poison” of READY, SET…GROW!, explains that forgiving “is first a decision and then a process.” Even after sincerely forgiving, the pain may linger. Scumaci warns: “If we don’t manage the hurts and disappointments in our lives, we risk becoming the toxic people others are trying to pull from theirs!”
So, follow the forgiveness process fully. Forgive, let go of the pain, move on, and keep going. Life is too beautiful to be trapped by resentment.
7. Be Happy
Happiness starts with a cheerful heart. Choose happiness every day. Every day comes with demands, but commit to getting through the day with your joy intact. Work on it by not dwelling on negative words or experiences.
References:
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Scriptures: Job 42:10–11, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (KJV)
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Time Changes Yesterday – Nyengi Koin
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READY, SET…GROW! – Dondi Scumaci
